Written by November 6 2026
Listening to my album work in progress on bluetooth speakers, solarpowered!!! Woohoo!
Alas, rainy weather means patchy net signal for streaming. I can, however, download some games from FDroid and other apps that I can now run green due to having solar charge!! Woohoo!!
19:16
Alas, aside from my own, I do not know of Carbon Neutral music. Le sigh.
21:07
I’m so annoyed. I just want to listen to music. And I can’t because it’s not green. Like most things.
November 7 2026
I downloaded a few tracks. Add it to the tab i guess. Negligible amount of emissions, I’ll cover it when compensating the years.
My phone and speakers are running on solar! Woohoo!
19:54
Currently charging my phone on solar and only intend on using my laptop for music making and compensated stuff. Otherwise even game making will be on my phone.
I’m excited!
November 8 2026
Today was a rest day. Got solar charge. Small things. I’m trying to work on music and I just don’t want to.
I don’t have melodies and I keep thinking how much work each song takes. Eh.
November 9 2026
CW: Allusions to Hopelessness and Self Harm
Emotional rollercoaster day. Trying to figure out money, applied to some customer service work, making slow progress with my album and thinking about how FDroid prefers free software and how the coders are begging for money through donations instead of monetizing. Some monetize though. Their apps just get labeled as having ‘anti features’ which is fine.
Not feeling great. Funnily I sometimes imagine what the update will sound like when I stop getting my period. Will I cry? Will I be angry? Will I hate everyone who listens? Will I quit? Will I want to hurt myself?
I can’t let it get to that point. But so often, I lose. Will this be another loss? I lose because I’m not willing to use the winning tools.
Guys. I am serious. I am 36, Jamaican, multi lingual, traveler’s background, single. I don’t go out much because of multiple reasons so it’s hard to get a date.
Are we saying that the only place to find a date is OKCupid and Tinder?
Sigh. It would be so easy to just go on those apps. But they are not green and I have zero dollars left to compensate a dating app with.
I don’t know what to do because there are complications that mean my friendship and dating game that I want to make are not being made. I could resort to AI but again, I don’t use ‘winning’ tools.
I have the game design. And I have a working prototype.
I think I need to flesh out the game prototype more and drum up action on Fastfrwrd so that we can use the prototype to already start date nights.
I am still working on my album, 5 more songs to go, two arranged with no lyrics or vocal melodies, one that I need to reinterprete the beat to which is really hard because I use a lot of syncopation in my beats and sometimes they are really hard to imitate. Two songs require live instruments. And two need some small fixes but are already part of the 7 completed tracks out of the 12. I may end up with a 13th, an unplanned one that I make while trying to relax. Other than that, we’re almost there.
After that I will need to perform the music.
I also owe 5 chapters of ‘The Stellar: Origins’.
And I am planning an app for FDroid.
Busy. None of this features a man. But hopefully I find a nice one someway while doing all this.
Sometimes I say: Men are bad and women are annoying. Trying to find good people. When I’m most misanthropic I tend to repeat the quote.
Life is not always worth it. And it just takes losing hope for 5 minutes to 5 hours to have permanent effects.
I don’t think I would really hurt myself because of the other people it would hurt. But I do think what will be my update if I truly am no longer able to reproduce because I did not want to put an ad of myself on OkCupid? Because I did not want to be swiped on Tinder? Would I even say anything or just unceremoniously quit?
I don’t want to find out.
Luckily I like to be proactive. But I know I’m not super human. 5 minutes. 5 hours. It doesn’t take much to lose hope and be desperate to end bad feelings.
As I said, emotional rollercoaster.
November 10 2026
The song that I have been wrestling with for a couple weeks is finally complete, enough, barring a few minor tweaks. I can’t tell you how horrible I have been feeling up until this point. Sleeping and thinking, sleeping mostly. Avoiding the world.
This song cheered me up so much.
I have some bureaucratic tasks and it would involve a lot of walking it seems. Also I have to follow up on the job in customer service and I am sure that is like 80% of why I am just sleeping to opt out temporarily.
It will likely involve a.i. surveillance.
I sleep. Opt out. But here. Song cheered me up.
November 11 2026
It’s been another rest day. Probably cause I have to start working again soon and it seems they only give one day of weekend. I’m not sure but that’s what I read.
November 12 2026
15:20
I am behind schedule on my music album and ‘The Stellar: Origins’. I often get stressed about my teams not delivering on time but when it’s my turn to deliver, I realize that sometimes things just go over deadline.
Not often though!
I’m cooking brownstew potatoes: fry onion, garlic, jerk seasoning in oil, cut potatoes in wedges, fry a bit, add soy sauce enough to colour potatoes, add water to cover most potatoes when flat in the pan, add thyme and a scotch bonnet pepper, let cook down until liquid is low and potatoes are cooked, add some ketchup to the gravy and let thicken. Eat with something or by itself.
Hm. It tastes ok. Missing something.
I’m thinking about au pairs. My mother used to au pair during her studies in France. There was a whole underclass, tasked with raising the children of the middle and upper class in the city. West Indian au pairs and nannies are a thing, a well known thing. Same for nurses.
We leave our islands and go take care of foreigners, often leaving our own children to go take care of someone else’s child.
When I was 4, my mother left Jamaica with my father and my grandmothers became my primary caregivers, alongside my aunts.
When she left I did not cry because I had been trained not to cry when she left the house. I didn’t know that she wasn’t coming back for a long time. So I didn’t cry. But i got a nosebleed the night before she left. I would get nosebleeds sometimes.
She left, and my grandmothers and aunts raised me until I was 8 when she was able to file for me.
When a westerner or global norther or more accurately, Imperialist and Imperialist adjacent nation underpays an employee overseas in their supply chain for raw materials, it means children lose touch with their parents, get a phone session once a week, wonder if they did something to make their parents choose money over them.
This is not a hypothetical. Real lives. Real people. Real repercussions.
People migrate for money and they leave their children behind.
18:18
A letter to my love (to lighten the mood)
I have searched far and wide for you.
I thought you might be a wanderer like me so I kept my eyes open on the road.
I thought you might be of the earth and so I got grubby.
I thought you might be a thinker so I went to heady spaces.
I thought you might be beautiful so I sought out unique beauties and their circles.
As a woman, I am not supposed to be the one who hunts
I like being a damsel about some things but not all.
I have everything you want, lover.
A smile that welcomes you home each day,
And some other features you might appreciate.
I am my own type when I make the effort.
I think I’ll be yours too.
And even though the world would not have changed,
We will know how to pass the time well,
To know as I do with close friends, how tonkake time waiting for a train into a people watching passtime commentary full of laughter,
How to make a doctor’s visit calm and supportive,
How to make chores into bonding,
Bath time an expedition.
I have had close glimpses of what you’re like.
I do miss you already.
Hurry home.
And, you know. Be hot.
(Hot is interpretable as capable, knowledgeable and self assured…)
[I make some bloopers nearly saying ‘6:16 in L.A.’ like Kendrick’s grim diss track, I laugh about it. I say it is funny because the song is uncomfortable to listen to and I hope the poem was not uncomfortable hoping it was a cute little thing because life is hard and being honest about it, I might seem strange but I’m just being honest where other people also have these feelings they just don’t share them with a public. I still have my wishes and I won’t be forlorn if I don’t have it andI don’t think it would be hard to have these things and I think it would be nice. I speak about the ‘real, real’ basically but sometimes you have bad days and you speak about that ‘real, real’ that ‘real, real, real.’]