Written by January 11, 2026 Pt. 2
Part of why I quit university is because just because you become fluent in a language doesn’t mean you stay fluent. I learned Dutch in 6 months, 3 months ahead of the 9 month long course schedule. No one spoke Dutch to me but the professors. And they were all talking some big words. The students spoke english with me. I started to fall behind and I was already older than the other kids by about a year, I didn’t also want to be slow. And I was the only black kid. As often happened while I was traveling or living abroad.
There were extra classes but who wants to sign up for more classes? So I partied instead and scraped by with my grades and got little temping jobs.
But I felt so drained. I just eventually had to say: Stop. You have thought casually about self elimination. Over a bill collector. No. This needs to stop and be interrupted and put back in order.
So I quit. This obsession with ‘doing’ could be based in defensiveness. But it is also for pure joy of having something to do that I know will entertain me later!
I always voice it when the idea occurs. I know it is a signal to stop.